15.03.21

im by myself. fascinating how i am able to despise my surroundings, my people. last night ive teared my skin out, hyperventilated. at times like this i find it almost impossible to carry out a meaningful sequence of conversation, a monologue, even. if only screaming was acceptable, i could get away with it. free therapy. i want to growl growl squeze my fist my own nails cutting through my palms. you always feel calm when you cause the pain and irritation. a tip i could give is instead of punching the wall behind your bed, use your neck. satisfying you feel like fighting. i have this habit of stracthing when im annoyed.

i am so mad. i feel like i deserve better. i am the best friend. i am unproblematic. i like to go under the radar. my favorite supernatural being is a ghost. when im mad he is defensive, he told me things i hated to hear. i thought he would feel me since he had his fair share of anger issues and self destructive behaviour. said he understands and tells me to calm down and tell whats wrong. im not after understanding. im not a moron. the way you treat me at that moment gives away your incapability. you werent even the subject of my anger. it was others. i was considering you family. you dont wanna deal with me when i dont make sense.

i want someone to justify my rage. im friendly. you disgust me.